| Christmas Time |
[29 Nov 2009|03:52am] |
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Well, its here again. I'm doing ok (though it is 3am and I'm still awake, but that's usual) and glad my brother will be at mum's on Christmas day - kind of dreading the year she stays at her bf's and he stays at his gf's.
Anyway, the single parent thing is getting easier I suppose. Last year I had a sort of fear about being alone with Tom at Christmas, like I wouldn't be able to make it good enough for him because I'm on my own. I decided to buy a new tree and decorations and some of his presents on credit (now paid off) as I kept thinking 'if the tree looks good, if the house is pretty and he's got presents, it'll be ok' and that did take the pressure off a bit.
I'm still thinking about Mark, its been nearly 5 months. It's not all the time, just every so often at night (when I do sleep) I'll wake up and remember something about him. In a way the week in Scotland being the last time we saw each other was kind of good. I mean it was a brilliant week, I'd never had a proper holiday with a boyfriend before, and I loved every day. It's bittersweet now of course, because everything is amplified when I remember him. Also Dan going to Whitby this weekend with Samie has hurt me. It's silly, its been over a year, but it was always our special place. We went there so many times and both said we'd never go there with anybody else, and until now he hasn't. I haven't been back since we were there. There are so many other seaside places, why did he have to shit on our memories by taking her there? (Heaven forbid I be melodramatic..)
I've been thinking about Christmas' when I was a kid. When dad was home for a couple of weeks, and there were presents overflowing everywhere. That magic definately disappeared as I got older, but since having Tom has returned. Last year he was still too young to really know what was going on, but now he's old enough for the concept of Santa and getting excited about the tree, its getting more fun.
I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of meeting men I compare to Mark and them being inferior. I've had some shocking dates recently. I think back and cringe. Its good in a way because I know I'm attractive and its given me confidence, I'm not going to get 6 cats and end up a lonely spinster just yet - but my GOD I've met some losers. I know there's someone better out there, the man Mark could have been if he was just a bit older when we met, a bit less insecure and eager to join the army and prove himself. I don't like being single. I mean, I can do it - I am doing it. I didn't shrivle up and die, I've just been a bit sad. But I want to be with someone, I like being a girlfriend. I'm going to stop looking - I'm here, he can find me :)
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| dunno |
[03 Dec 2008|07:06am] |
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i never use this, no one will read it, but i need to write.
why i only ever seem to remember i have a lj when i'm feeling down, i dunno. i'm really not looking forward to Christmas this year, its the first Christmas i've been single in about 8 years and the thought fills me with dread. i'm going to ask Adrian for some valium and wake up in January.
so preo's now going out with this girl samie (probably bitched about her in here.. somewhere. we've never liked each other anyway) she split up with her fiance about a week ago who is also one of his friends. but nobody seems to mind this, seems they're all stil good mates and having a jolly nice laugh about it all. preo's sister is almost seeing samie's ex (Andy) too. its like a big weird fuck triangle, but more of a cube. the last time he stayed here was Halloween, so just over a month ago. i'm still very much stuck in the past, emotionally, and have yet to find the strength to get over him. i dunno why. y'know those single people who are kind of annoying cos all they do is whinge about being lonely? well thats me. out of 30 or so people that i know, i am probably the only single one. nice that everyone's partnered off just before Christmas, too.
i've been talking to this guy, he's nice and lives nearby and says things like 'shall we just snuggle on the sofa and watch a dvd?' and i should be going 'YES! CHERISH ME!' but all i can think is, he's not preo.
for some retarded reason i've built him up in my head as this godlike figure of everything i want in a partner, and its all total bullshit. for the last 6-9 months of our relationship, all he did was ignore me. he'd come in from work and be straight on his laptop for 6 hours and i'd be bringing him his dinner because he wouldn't sit at the table with me, and bringing him coffees, and sitting next to him trying to talk to him or asking him to turn the laptop off for half an hour so we could have a cuddle or whatever. and all he'd do was snap at me.
but when i think about us, i'm still stuck in the little hotel at Whitby, or walking at Linaker with Tom in his big pushchair and we're all wearing scarves, or making love (and i NEVER like that phrase - gay!) looking into his eyes thinking he's the most amazing person i've ever met and that i know i'll be safe with him forever.
i don't remember always being this way, when did i become such an emotional twat.
i can't move on and be happy with anyone because i don't know how to get over preo, and its killing me. we never split up properly, having sex for all these months since he left was such a bad idea, and really shows how insecure and stupid i am. even after finding out about Marie (the girl he slept with at Download and after then, also another of Andy's exes) i kept letting him come here. i have literally no perspective on the situation when i feel low, all i can think is that the man i'm still in love with is now fucking the girl who hates me and everybody's ok with it.
i tried to convince myself that she hasn't really got the Dan i lived with for 2 years, because he's not the same person now. he's just lost his job, has been "self harming" for weeks (and imo looks stupid for doing so) and has moved back home to live with his mum. so why am i still so fucking cut up about it? if i did have a boyfriend i think i'd forget preo a lot quicker, but i've been putting off a couple of guys i know (nice ones) because i thought we'd eventually get back together.
i can't believe its been 9 months and still hurts so much. bleh.
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| hello 3am |
[01 Aug 2008|03:08am] |
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music |
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slipknot - liberate |
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answers to some of the 'writers block' lj suggestions:
You are allowed to place three items from your lifetime into a box that will be opened in fifty years. What do you put in, and why?
lip balm because i'm never ever without it and would go crazy if i was; my pink iPod shuffle, as again i have it on me pretty much all the time - whether i'm cleaning or on the computer or doing my nails, to drown out the incessent jabbering of old women et al on public transport (tom often puts one earphone in and we listen together) i've started to rely on music like i used to, and its keeping me just about sane; a camera, probably my first SLR that i've used since college but has been neglected a bit lately, because i love taking photographs, being in photographs, and documenting my life so i have lots of memories to look back on.
What kind of birthmark do you have? How does it look? If you don't have one already, what kind of birthmark would you like to have?
does anyone really want a birthmark? i have one on my left elbow, its about 3 x 1.5 inches, oval and dark brown like a freckle. it doesn't bother me like it used to at school, partly because i'm not around people who make comments like 'what the hell is that on your arm?' any more, partly because its on the back of my arm so i never see it, mostly because its a birthmark and who gives a fuck.
Talk about a recurring dream you've had, or talk about your most vivid dream. What makes it stick in your memory?
i have to say, the majority of my dreams are vivid and if i wake with a clear head i can describe them well. a recurring dream i had for years as a child was about 3 ghosts coming into our house, but they were like drawn 'casper' type ghosts - but for some reason, terrifying. me, my brother, mum and dad always had to flee our house in the dark when the ghosts came, and we usually didn't have time to put on our shoes. we always ran up the garden path.
a really vivid one i had was about walking through the villiage with my mum past loads of parked cars, and a guy with ginger hair following us. he kept hiding behind bins and fences but we knew he was there and my mum was like hurrying me along. we got home and my brother said there'd been a package delivered but he didn't want to open it because he thought it was a bomb. i went in the garden to try and think what to do and the ginger haired man walked through the gate and stood infront of me, and i knew he was going to hurt us. my mum tried to stand infront of me but he shot me in the stomach. was really strange because the bang was so loud and when i woke up it was like i could feel the wound on myself.
one more (i think it was a dream) happened last year when we lived in the flat. i can't remember what me and preo had been talking about before going to bed (whether it was ghosts or anything) but i remember dreaming that someone was stood over me looking at me, and i woke up and looked over to the bedroom door and saw a dark figure stood looking straight at me. it had no eyes or features, was just a black shape but i knew it was looking at me. preo woke up cos i think i jumped and said what's the matter, and i looked again and it was still there and didn't go til he put the light on, but when he turned it off again it was gone. took a bit to get my head round that one, but it scared the shit out of me.
What was the first music album you ever bought or owned? Do you still listen to it or have you moved on?
first album i ever bought was Dangerous by Michael Jackson - on tape! lol. i loved it and wore it out cos i played it so much, like i did all his albums when i got them on CD. the most influencial album i've ever owned was Antichrist Superstar (Manson), my brother was at uni at the time, i was about 15, and one weekend was clearing out his bedroom and chucked a box of tapes and CDs in the hall. he said someone at uni had made him a copy (tape) of Antichrist and would i like to hear it (has since told me it was to try and get me to listen to anything other than Michael Jackson every day lol) i listened to it that night on my walkman and it was quite intense as i'd never heard any metal before, wasn't 'raised' on it like a lot of people when their parents like it and stuff - when i was little my parents used to listen to David Bowie and Van Morrison.
so i fell asleep with it blasting in my headphones and woke up feeling very different. i truly think it entered my subconscious straight away because i've always known every track on that album inside out from early on and it affected me so much. Manson got his dirty hands on me (metaphorically) while i was sleeping.
What foods can you not live without, and what foods can you not stomach?
i love bananas, cucumber, avocados, raw carrots and celery. i love crunchy veg and avocados are just yummy. my favourite food is roast lamb though, with roast parsnips and potatoes and green beans, mint sauce an gravy and now I'M REALLY FKING HUNGRY. (i also like steak mmm)
i don't like runny eggs, omg the thought of an undercooked egg makes me gip. i don't mind seafood, but once tried welks/whelks and muscles in Whitby and wasn't impressed :/ was told the crunchiness was 'its poo bag'.. whether it was just sand i don't know, but it wasn't pleasent. also tried oysters once, didn't like those.
You are on a plane that's about to crash. You have time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call and what do you say?
probably preo, and i'd say 'i still love you, look after tom' assuming tom wasn't with me.
gah, what a horrible thought :/ i wouldn't call my mum because we'd just cry and wouldn't get any words out. i sometimes think about being in a plane crash with tom (was going to fly to Thailand with him this month, been postponed) and thought if it was crashing i would just hold him tight on my knee and cover his face with a blanket so he hopefully wouldn't see too much. would try really hard not to scream and just keep sshing him and telling him i loved him i guess.
that makes me think about why certain scenes in films affect me so much and why i remember them - the last scene in Cloverfield where they're under the bridge and the rocks are falling on them, they know they're going to die but he says 'look at me, look at me, i love you' and she says it back. in Open Water when its night and there's a thunder storm, and they know they haven't got long left and are really terrified, and they're crying and saying 'i love you' over and over. just something about being in a near death/certain death situation and being focused enough to tell the person you're with that you love them, it gets me. its what i would try to do.
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| i feel |
[01 Nov 2007|05:01am] |
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lonely and disjointed. did i just make up a word?
things are ok at home at the moment, but im constantly fighting my insecurities and i don't like it. i wonder what its like to have a jealous partner? i bet its nice really. i mean its.. flattering isn't it. he's deleted me from myspace, too. dunno what to say about that, obviously i'm making too big a deal over it or something. do i sound like a stalker? i'm not a stalker, we live together. we did re-meet on myspace though so its kind of a bit special to me in a tacky way. and now he's deleted me and his profile is private. hmmm.
tom is so fantastically brilliant, and leaves me proud emotional frustrated happy tired and amazed every day. his latest thing is going "oh yeah!" a lot, like he's just remembered something. heh.
he didn't really enjoy the halloween party yesterday, was a bit too scary for him and he cried a lot tbh. bless him, he's still a bit little for all that i think. i know my sister-in-law's baby is younger than tom and he wasn't as bothered and was just crawling around on the floor, but i think that's because he's their 3rd child and he's just a little more robust than tom is.
tbh i felt a bit annoyed when ppl were saying 'look, josh isn't crying' because tom is just a bit quieter and more sensitive. and that's ok with me. he'll get more confidence as he's growing up, i'm sure.
i don't know why i woke up at 2am and its now 5 and i'm sat here. i layed awake and watched him sleeping for a bit. am sort of clinging to the thought of our weekend at whitby next week quite a lot, as i really really need to be somewhere else. i only wish it was for longer than 2 days.
also *might* be getting a tattoo there.
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| erm.. |
[20 Jul 2007|02:47am] |
hello my empty hollow shell of a livejournal that nobody reads :) *hugs* for you.
anyway.. there's a baby mouse in the garden. preo brought it home from work (he found it near his car) and we were going to keep offering it food and stuff and look after it, but there were things crawling on it (fleas? mites?) so i decided i needed to fend for itself outside in the garden.
now i feel bad. its so tiny, shivering away in an old ice-cream tub turned on its side with only shredded up newspaper for warmth. either that or its dead. bah, another life slipping through my fingers..
i don't think it could survive without its mum, anyway. will have a look in the morning, am hoping it will have scurried away and is not dead.
i've started taking Nytol about half an hour before bed as i just cannot fucking sleep lately. also feeling a bit.. lonely.
tom was very whiney today as he has more painful teeth coming. he's doing brilliantly with his walking and can now say:
woof woof!
meoow
book
more?
bye bye (while waving)
hi (while waving)
awww (while hugging teddy/me/a crayon etc)
yes/yeah
mmm! (when he sees his dinner)
ball
peg
raaaaooorr!! (like a lion, but a whispering one lol)
tiggerbob (no idea what this means but he says it often)
zjooo zjooo (sort of french-sounding, often said while looking out the window)
eh-oh! (to the tellytubbies ofc)
what is it?
phwooooarr! (at his, or anyone elses feet/socks)
and here's a pic - as you can see he is still heartbreakingly gorgeous :)
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| supermassive |
[08 May 2007|03:42pm] |
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pretty good actually |
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radiohead - talk show host |
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this is from my lj in 2002: "when i find that six-foot-two slightly muscular nineteen year old mansonite with soft long hair and new rock boots who's name escapes me, but he likes to talk a lot and drink jack daniels and i'm everything to him, i'll bring him here. to the sea. then we'll see."
..ok so preo's not quite a mansonite, he doesn't wear New Rocks (but he likes mine) and he's 22, but hey, that's an otherwise very accurate description of him!
the only reason i looked back at 2002 (then most of 03 and some of 04) was because he said he read something and got all excited thinking it was about him, but then saw the date. still not sure what that was (maybe it was that bit i found?), but i was rememiscing about my HK trips and saw that. feeling pretty crappy today cos i have a sore throat (thanks for the germs, stew!) and haven't bothered getting dressed. mum's taken tom for a walk to the shops and will be back soon. tom is amazing us all with his conversational skills (he's 15 months old), these are some of the things he can do:
says "yeah!" "what is it?" "mama" "yakum yakum" "pwooaar" (at his feet) "woooo" "ooooh!"
does most of the actions to 'pattacake'
waves - but sometimes its upside down :)
does the 'indian' thing where he makes a noise and slaps his mouth at the same time
nods and goes "mhmm"
laughs when you smell his feet and pretend they smell bad and go "pooo!"
not sure what to do about this job i applied for. i haven't been offered it yet, but i'd be suprised if i wasn't. i don't want it though, cos if i work evenings and weekends we'll never see each other. i know it probably wouldn't be every week night but i just.. i dunno, seemed to get a bad feeling after the interview about working there. my mum said when she went in there today some women who work there were going on about my application standing out from the rest and asking about my uncle who's like a senior area manager person. if i reject the offer i know i'll get them nattering away at me every time i go in there for a pint of milk :/
i'm just sick of doing skivvy jobs. i'd rather work in an office or something - i'm good at typing and i'm obviously computer literate. just felt like as soon as i'd applied for it i thought 'why am i prepared to take the first job that comes along?'.
what is it with manson's new stuff? so far i can't decide if i like it or not. 'heart shaped glasses' just leaves me feeling cold. like there's nothing of him in it. i know he's upset about dita but jeez... maybe when i've heard the rest it'll grow on me like mechanical animals did. i'm still hoping to go to download, and i'd love to see him again. i'd imagine he won't just be playing stuff from the new album anyway.
we did pretty well this weekend, only argued once and actually had a great night lastnight. we had a chinese (not takeaway, so less guilt), watched 300 and i was surprised to actually enjoy it, even if it was a bit repetitive.
tom in his bedroom:
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[20 Mar 2007|02:24pm] |
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 chipper |
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my god.. its so beautiful! when i have it on i can't stop stroking the leather, its so soft. *ggl*
( more pics )
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[19 Mar 2007|12:04pm] |
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my corset has arrived! i can't wait til i can lace it tightly, it feels gorgeous to finally have one on :)
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[24 Feb 2007|01:20am] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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everyone say hi to preo :D
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[18 Sep 2006|11:59pm] |
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[16 Sep 2006|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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mariah carey - we belong together |
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i miss him. he's a total cunt right now. but i miss him.
this is so weird, accepting i'm not with him any more. there's nothing i can do and it's too late to go back, i'm just having a moment of feeling weird cos i can't believe he's not here any more. 4 years. i feel like he's died or something.
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[15 Sep 2006|12:17am] |
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music |
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KT tunstall - black horse & cherry tree |
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this afternoon it started to rain heavily, so i put paul's things outside.
when he came to get them with his stepdad ("i can't work, live on benefits for 20 years because i have a bad back") steve, they were shaking their heads and swearing - i watched from the window and smiled :) as they drove off, i waved.
shortly after, paul phoned me and said "i can't believe you did that!" and said he was going to take me to court for criminal damages hahah. then he phoned back and said he wanted to come and get the rest of his stuff (crappy dragon statues, telescope etc in our walk-in stairs cupboard) and i said not today, cos it all needs sorting out and i was busy. he said if i didn't let him get his stuff today, he'd phone the police and tell them i stole it. LOL
this is the best bit: he said he's going to leave his job so he won't have to pay Child Maintainance. what a fucking loser. seriously, what a pathetic little spineless worm, saying he'll leave his job so he doesn't have to pay money for our child. really.
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[14 Sep 2006|01:11am] |
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music |
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justin timberlake - lovestoned |
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he's coming to pick up most of his stuff tomorrow. i've loved shoving it all in binliners :)
tomorrow i'm going to town, taking tom's library books back then meeting my friend Emma for a coffee. and i'm going to buy myself some flowers.
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[08 Sep 2006|10:45pm] |
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just trying to get used to the concept of being a single mum.
he says he has stopped loving me.
on the plus side, i am losing weight as i'm not eating or sleeping. every cloud...
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[05 Sep 2006|01:37pm] |
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paul left.
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[03 Sep 2006|02:42am] |
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tom is 6 months old today!
can't believe how fast its gone. and my goal was to breastfeed for at least 6 months, we did it :D hoping to continue for another 6 months, then phase in cows milk. he's growing up so fast and had us in stitches tonight - his latest thing is smacking his chops when he's eating, and he licks his lips til the food's all gone then he'll accept another spoonful hehe.
he sort of blows kisses now, too :)
solids is going pretty well, but he won't eat any savoury things yet. i tried him with some parsnip and potato puree yesterday (i thought it was quite nice lol) but he wouldn't have it. i'm not sure if i should just relax and let him decide, but i'm worried i'll have given him a sweet tooth with all fruit and porridge and he won't eat anything else :/
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| munch munch |
[16 Aug 2006|05:19pm] |
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 content |
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wow
tom totally amazed me this afternoon - he ate about 10 spoonfuls of organic banana baby food, and actually swallowed it! didn't try to grab the spoon off me, opened his mouth for more, and we didn't make a mess and get it all over his hair like last time! he actually seemed to enjoy it and was hungry. now he's fast asleep looking very content, so i deduce he's full.
lately, he hasn't been sleeping well and has been waking every 2 hours for feeds during the night (feeds 2-hourly during the day anyway) so i wondered if he really was ready for baby food. i think he's decided he is! i'm not exactly sure when i should be feeding him or how much (surely not 3 meals a day yet?) so i'm going to phone hv tomorrow. i think it might be good to just let him 'tell' me when he's hungry - ie when he's finished a breastfeed but is still restless like he has been lately.
aww he was so happy to be eating and was smiling at me :) i, however, have not been smiling during feeds for the past few days as little monkey has surprised me by clamping down on my nipple with his gums, which really hurts! when he does it to pauls hand he always goes 'ow' - i said imagine how it feels when i'm feeding him and he does it! the first time i yelled "OWW!!" and tom just laughed! since then i've said "No. don't do that." sternly, but he just smiles...
its our 4th anniversary next friday (!) and we're hoping to go out for a meal while my mum looks after tom. all depends if i can get at least one feed expressed - even if we leave baby food too, he'll still need a drink afterwards and won't have water.
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[13 Aug 2006|04:41pm] |
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i like netmums, i've met a couple of people and their sprogs from there and there's always something interesting to look at.. but lately all i seem to be getting is criticism for speaking passionately about breastfeeding, replying to posts based on how they make me feel and now one of the moderators has removed a reply i posted in response to this, from the Anon board:
Posted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 5:14 pm Post subject: Feeling resentful towards my 1st child..
"I had my first child as a teenager with a complete loser who I wish
I had never met and I never want to see again. I totally regret it
and wish I hadn't had my child. I know that is awful but it's how I
feel.
It wasn't so bad at first because I was on my own and I just got on
with it. But then I met my partner who I love so much and now we
have had a baby together.
Since having my second child I feel even less for my first. Every
day I wish it was just me, my partner and our baby. First child
calls my partner Daddy and they get on well but it has caused us
arguments, upset and pain because first child is not my partner's.
Now that we have 2 children, I feel so resentful towards first
child as we want more children, but I only want 3, I don't think I
could cope with 4. This means I can only have 1 more with my
partner. I feel so sad that I can only go through one more
pregnancy and have one more child with my partner, if first child
wasn't here we could have 2 more.
I didn't enjoy being pregnant or having the baby or anything first
time as I had no-one to share it with but I loved having a baby
with my partner. And I feel bad for him that he will only get to
have one more because he loves kids and loves having his own baby.
I feel irritated and annoyed constantly by first child, I just
think "shut up" all the time and I have so little patience.
I hate myself for feeling like this but it feels like I don't even
love first child any more. I have not told my partner how I feel.
My feelings are horrible and it's eating me up inside.
I don't know what to do."
so my reply was something like this: i feel sorry you're in this situation, but remember you're very lucky to have children as so many people can't or spend years trying. i actually think you're being pretty selfish. yeah, obviously it wasn't a helpful response, but it was an honest one! seriously though, i think what she's saying is pretty dreadful considering her kid didn't ask to be born or to have this woman as her mother. i think she should get her fucking priorities straight and wake up and realise she's damn lucky to have 2 children!
what i got from her post was that she's feeling sorry for herself because she can only have one more baby with her new husband because she "only wanted 3 babies" and thats why she resents her first child. what an awful thing to say/think!! she doesn't deserve children. ugh. so i got this pm from the moderator:
From: Donna H
Posted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 4:34 pm
Subject: Re: Feeling resentful towards my 1st child..
"Hello Jennifer
I'm just letting you know I've removed your post from the thread Re: Feeling resentful towards my 1st child..
Netmums is primarily a support site and as such we only welcome members who are willing to offer support and constructive advice. While we obviously understand not everyone is going to have the same opinion as everybody else, we do ask for support not criticsm on our boards.
When a mum has opened her heart to admit to how she is feeling the last thing she needs is people calling her selfish, she should at the very least be admired for her bravery in saying how she feels and the courage to recognise that how she is feeling is not normal and that she is trying to do something about it.
Why not turn it around and think of how your reply made you look to the other members on our boards?
Can I please ask in future that if you have nothing nice to say that you actually say nothing.
Regards
Donna Heaton"
i think this is retarded. they've become so PC you can't say anything that might cause offense to someone.
what a load of bollocks.
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vampirotica's journal
